Wednesday, March 28, 2012

If life was a cozy mystery:

* All women would either be too thin (read: like Cindy Crawford in the 90’s but with self esteem issues) or too curvy (read: like current SI swimsuit girl Kate Upton with self esteem issues).
* Everybody would have fun, yet stressful jobs. Gone would be all of the janitors, grocery checkers, and plumbers. Now, we all design clothes or jewelry! We are writers or painters or poets. It is hard and we complain about it constantly, but somebody’s got to rake in mega loads of cash while apparently doing nothing so that we can solve crime.
* All men would be the living, breathing, flesh equivalent of the statues of the gods. Women don’t go after kindness, intellect, compatibility, humor, stability, or anything else. We want abs! Or biceps… as long as they are in the vicinity of abs.
* If a woman wears stilettos, or has long, blonde hair she is probably the murderer. If she is not the murderer, she is still a terrible person and we should say snarky things to her.
* If the book is by Mary Higgins Clark and a man is slightly over six foot tall, lean and athletic, with sandy blond hair, he is the murderer. You have to watch out for the fair-haired among us.
* Women get to be in a constant state of pms reminiscent rage and self-importance, which will be written off as “feistiness”. Also, everybody forgives it and all of the semi-cruel words and eye rolls just slide off of those around us like water off the back of a duck.
* The murderer always confesses. Never mind lawyers, trials, and what not. The truth must be told by an otherwise cold-blooded murderer.
            That is all I can think of for now. Sarcasm over. Cozy mysteries are actually one of my favorite niche genres. I have read hundreds of them. Some were good and some were horrible, but most contained the elements listed above. Now, clichés are clichés for a reason (to use a cliché) so I always like to examine them. This list of qualities sells.
            Do you have anything to add to my list? Or perhaps you want to make a list of your own in your own blog. I think romance novels and courtroom thrillers are ripe for the kill.
            To change the topic, I’ve lowered the price of the kindle edition of The Gates of Nottingham. It is now $.99 on Amazon. I think I have solved my print problem as well. I ordered the proof copy this morning. Hopefully, it won’t be too much longer on that.

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